You are an amazing and wonderful human at heart. This will always be true.

You have been ill, angry, and depressed for years. 2014 was so much more than what you claim. You also remarried one of your abusers and fought to divorce him for the second time, shooting yourself in the foot many times along the way.

I hope your therapist is well versed in borderline and eating disorders. I hope they can sort the truth from what you think is the truth. I hope these new positive people in your life can support you and call you on your bullshit whenever necessary. You once provided the same for me.

I don’t know what really happened. I only know I responded to a call for help, because you were threatening suicide, you had ordered a gun and you were going to use it on yourself. And this happened more than once. You threatened to commit suicide in unspeakable ways.

I am angry that you twisted my words and actions into something that never existed. You called me racist, privileged, enabling your alleged rapist, amongst many other things that could never be possible.

But as much anger and hurt as I feel, I still miss you. Things happen, and sometimes my first thought is to tell you because you’re the only one who would understand. Then I remember you hate me for things I never did but for things you twisted and fabricated out of nothing. I know that if you ever read this, you would still think I was some disgusting traitor. I know that I’ll never understand this completely and that has to be okay for now.

And really, as long as you’re okay, like really okay, not some barely holding on pretending to be okay okay, then I’m happy. All I ever wanted for you was for you to stop hating yourself and love yourself like everyone else who knows you does.

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2 Responses to

  1. nomore22 says:

    I will always love you.

  2. nomore22 says:

    And that has to be ok for now. Even if it’s from far away.

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